


Miss Piggy

by thegayemu



Series: Brasskier's Tumblr Fics [3]
Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, Monster of the Week, Roach Has the Brain Cell (The Witcher), Roach also definitely had the brain cell when I wrote this, no beta we die like my self-respect after writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:48:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28627533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegayemu/pseuds/thegayemu
Summary: Written for a my drunk crack fic prompt request on Tumblr:"Damsel in distress Jaskier, except the monster of the week is Miss Piggy"
Series: Brasskier's Tumblr Fics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2097822
Kudos: 7





	Miss Piggy

**Author's Note:**

> On New Year's Eve I got drunk, and looked to Tumblr for the absolute single most ridiculous prompts people could come up with. This is what came of it. Thank you to the lovely [dunroamins](https://dunroamins.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr for the prompt.
> 
> [Find me on Tumblr :)](https://brasskier.tumblr.com/)

"Geralt?" His name escaped in a panicked gasp, that odd whisper-shout that was unmistakably Jaskier and unmistakably terrified. "What the  _ fuck  _ is that?" 

"You're not going to like this," Geralt mumbled back, splitting his attention between his trembling companion a few steps behind him and the unfamiliar entity lingering just a stone's throw ahead of them and half-obscured by the overgrown brush. "But I don't know." Jaskier let out a breathy moan, flinging a hand up to cover his mouth. Geralt rolled his eyes. 

“What do we do?”  _ For once,  _ Geralt thought,  _ that was actually a pretty good question.  _ The thing was, Geralt didn’t know. The figure was short, only coming to the height of a young child, round in frame and cloaked in black, a bright hint of platinum hair escaping at the corner of its hood. Nothing -  _ absolutely nothing  _ \- in any bestiary Geralt had ever read or in any tale Geralt had ever been told or even in any of Jaskier’s fantastically fabricated ballads had come close to matching the description of this… lifeform? Beast? If that was even what it was - for all Geralt knew it might very well be, in fact, a child. 

“Stand back,” he commanded Jaskier, gruffly and quietly, dipping a hand back to withdraw his sword, keenly aware not to draw attention to them as the blade glinted in the moonlight. He had finally settled on what he was going to do - what he always did. Keep Jaskier as far back and out of harm’s way as was possible with the over-curious bard, arm himself, and investigate. Jaskier shuffled back, ducking behind a tree and peering around it, his arms grasped around the rough bark. With one last glance back and a nod of determination from Jaskier, Geralt pressed carefully forward, hesitant to disturb the creature. This plan did not work, as the crunch of Jaskier’s boots on dry leaves erupted through the still silence of the forest, and Geralt cursed under his breath and braced himself for an oncoming attack. 

The creature did not attack, but rather turned slowly to face him, taking a shuffling step into the moonlight. Finally, Geralt could make out the features of its face - skin  _ (fur?) _ tan and almost felt-like in texture, flaxen tresses framing a round chin, the widest of eyes complete with exaggeratedly voluminous lashes, and - perhaps strangest of all - the snout of a hog. This, truly, was something Geralt was entirely unprepared for. Something half-human, half-swine, and entirely an abomination of nature.

“Is that…?” Jaskier breathed, and he jerked his back just long enough to note that Jaskier was, much to his chagrin, hovering over his shoulder, gaping at the creature. Familiarity seemed to settle in his gaze. “Miss Piggy?” Geralt narrowed his eyes at Jaskier before movement in his peripheral stole his attention and he snapped his gaze back to the creature. It -  _ she?  _ \- was closer still now, clutching a pearl necklace against her chest, lifeless eyes boring into him. 

“What do you want?” Geralt demanded, having altogether had enough of this shenanigans.

“Kermie,” she keened, and Geralt noticed the distinct lack of tongue or teeth in her mouth. “Where is my Kermit?” Geralt had positively no idea what a “Kermit” was, and he also did not care to stick around long enough to find out. Somewhere just behind him Jaskier groaned and swayed, and when Geralt peered back at him he was white as a sheet. With a sigh, a huff, and a few choice expletives, Geralt wrapped a steadying hand around Jaskier’s soldiers and took off towards where they’d left Roach, practically throwing Jaskier onto her back and launching himself in place behind him before setting off. Finally a safe distance from their unnerving encounter, Geralt eased Roach to a halt, tilting Jaskier’s chin to face him.

“What the fuck was that?” he asked, more confused than he could remember having been in a long while. Jaskier shook his head, stray brown hairs coming down to curtain his forehead.

“It’s… gods, it was an old wives’ tale, back in Lettenhove,” he exhaled, piercing Geralt with an uneasy stare. “My mother used to tell it to me before bed, when I was a boy.” He fidgeted with one of the rings on his finger, gnawing at his bottom lip. “Miss Piggy, she was some kind of pig woman, an actress of some sorts.” His words blurred together, pleading for Geralt to believe him with his eyes. “Married to a frog, I think.” He huffed a laugh, leaning back against Geralt.

“You think… this fairytale character from your childhood… was what we just saw?” Geralt clarified incredulously. 

“I swear, Geralt. On the gods.” To be entirely fair, Geralt couldn’t exactly come up with a better explanation himself at the moment. So he shrugged, urged Roach onwards, and carried on into the night in contemplative silence.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed my typo-riddled drunken mess of a ficlet. I'd go through and edit it, but... is this fic really worth the effort? I thought not. 
> 
> [Send me your ridiculous prompts on Tumblr.](https://brasskier.tumblr.com/)


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